You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
