i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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