I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
