Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
