Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
