I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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