im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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