Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
