The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
