You made me cry and you don't even care
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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