I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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