Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
