Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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