is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
