they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
