the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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