i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
