i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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