No I am not eating basil off your cock
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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