You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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