there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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