So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
