i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
