Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
