i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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