If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
