Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
