I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
