I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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