I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize