last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
