ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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