Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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