So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
