theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
