I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My breasts were aching with rage.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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