last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
