Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
