walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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