His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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