would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Rumble strips road head = magical
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize