woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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