the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
