Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
