What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
