All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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