M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
