I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize