I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
