Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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