dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
