Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
FUCK WHALES
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
