this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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