I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
