I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can't turn off my feet"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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