I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize