Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
