I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
