I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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