Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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