I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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