Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
