So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
