i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
